Charting unknown territory

May 30, 2007

anunciation Botticelli

Trying to chart the course of your thoughts is like a journey into the unknown, dancing around and trying to sidestep a yawning black hole. I don’t know – I’ve gone round in circles, have done for many years now, but perhaps there is reason for some optimism: there always is isn’t there? i need to focus on ‘being’ even when i feel the need + urge to ‘disappear’.

So here i am again. I started another journal somewhere which I only wrote in when I felt suicidal or close to it, I couldn’t ( can’t) deal with looking at it when i’m *not there* – in that dysphoric state – between the devil and the deep blue sea. I need to think myself along somewhere in the ‘middle’ of those extreme states…i need to find the middling path.

Some things are strange: I’d spent quite a lot of time recently reading up about bipolar disorder: I’d worked out for a while that kept veering from one extreme to another, had this whole ‘split’ thing going on and always very rapidly: a rollercoaster. I never really did identify with the whole ‘clinical depression’ idea because it just didn’t sound like me.  Sure there were days when I couldn’t get out of bed ( ok there never was a time after i turned 7 when i could actually get out of bed willingly before 2 p.m.) and felt low, but there were the days when I felt top of the world and hyper and felt great about myself, and about everyone else. But I always always managed to come across to others as super-confident and full of beans ALL the time. ( that’s cos they never saw me the rest of the time and i know how to HIDE what I’m feeling – probably far too well) It was the flux = that really gets to you the end, you just never knew if you’re coming or going. Nowadays I can sort of pinpoint when a ‘low’ mood is coming -and try and avoid getting in too deep + thinkreally hard about being positive.  It’ s a case of trying to see patterns in my thoughts and hence behaviour. For a long time it all just seemed so chaotic, I had no idea if it was me, or the people I met, or what, etc. because I didn’t even know what ‘me’ was. Ok so now i still don’t know much but I  do know it all has a lot to do with the negative thought patterns I end up with, and then the resulting self-destructive makes everything generally impossible.  I don’t know anything about psychobiology – or I know enough to know that the scientists don’t really know much either. Chicken and egg problem anyway. I don’t see myself seeing  either a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist – when I’m ‘fine’ I just can’t see myself getting around to it ( and what would i actually say anyway?) and when I’m #not fine# there’s no way I’d be capable of organising appointments and such-like.

But anyway, not to be defeatist about it, I have been reading up more on cognitive behavioural therapy. as a child I’d read a lot about Albert Ellis’ Rational Emotive Therapy which i found on my dad’s bookshelves – and I hear is one of the main ‘schools’ of CBT.

But of course, it’s the reality of what’s in your head, what goes through your head. I guess I can’t really make a proper-go of it unless i write ..during and through all the different ‘times’ and ‘feelings’. and regularly. I keep forgetting – these days as well – more and more. then it all starts taking on the confusion you sense in dreams..and that is really what scares me.



December 15, 2006

So I haven’t written for a long time. Why is that I wonder? No energy? Too much going on in your head? Sometimes you have too much in your head and you can’t think of what you’d put down. But I need some catharsis. Keeping up one’s defences takes up a lot of time and energy. Sometimes the problem is you have to journey through murky territory for the catharsis : this is what you have to do – plunge in. You don’t know what you’ll find. I picked up this leaflet at a Soho bookshop which had to do with some particular kind of therapy: psychosynthesis. 

More on Drugs

August 10, 2006

I’ve looked at Mike and Galloway’s sites – they both seem to have friends who’ve died of overdoses ( or so it seemed to me). I once worked in an area up North where I met lots of people who grew up on council estates ( apologies – I’ve never on one) and there seemed to be a frightfully high no. heroin takers and overdoses. At university and in the ‘media’ posse I met so-called ‘high-flying’ cocaine users – I thought a lot of these people were messed up as they were keen to look ‘cool’ and ‘in’ and I’m not much of one for looking cool. I smoked a lot of pot at uni with lots of people who are now artists, writers etc. Pretty high achieving people in artistic ways, though not in your standard sense.

I guess what I am thinking is that context seems to make a big difference in substance use/abuse. Take the ‘loafers’ on the side of the street and alcohol – students again drink plenty – and I’m not saying that isn’t a problem for some – i.e. those who may not actually want to imbibe that much but feel they must if they want to be a ‘lad’ and not be seen as a wuss ( hehe meself included) – but I never heard people say..oh.alcohol should be banned because look at those old people on the side of the street. Even though a lot of people are very critical about giving them money as they’ll only spend it on ‘alcohol’. So people do appear to understand that using a substance (e.g. alcohol) isn’t necessarily going to lead to decline, but that if you have a whole host of problems and possibly are depressed, unmotivated etc. those same substances can make your life a lot more difficult.

Ah. I personally think education and awareness are two of the most important things. And not allowing dodgy criminals of the highest order to profit from young kids – why give them such a lucrative source of income? Legalize and tax – and control it. make it the same as ‘caviar’ or something. Sell it in Harrods or sth in a ‘controlled’ fashion. {I don’t hear of kids drinking champagne on Council estates..they won’t be as tempted when they think its something old ponces do..} Governments can also monitor what’s going on that way. For young kids, the thrill of an illegal substance is pretty much on par with with the actual high. And of course the problem with narcotics vs. psychedelic drugs is the physical addiction – and if you’re a disturbed young kid with nothing to do it’s easy to get on that ladder. Plus the lure of an easy income of drug dealing is really what seals it for lots of people.

Detach drugs and crime and half of the problem is over. Introduce young kids to intellectuals who have the odd spliff. ( In the same way, kids from certain countries who have similar ideas re: alcohol – when they go to france or italy realize it’s not such a big deal)

Holy Blood Holy Grail: The Original Da Vinci Code?

August 7, 2006

The Holy Blood – Holy Grail – Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh and Henry Lincoln (1982)


Written as a follow up to a BBC documentary, this is the book where the authors presented an ‘audacious’ and groundbreaking hypothesis : theories which of course have achieved notoriety in the shape of Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. It’s funny – on the back cover ( it did cause a fair amount of hoo-ha when it was released) Newsweek said ‘ A brilliant thriller in the making’ – and of course, as we know, some people came along and did just that. Definitely worth a read. Of course for all Templar and Grail enthusiasts but nowadays anyone who wanted to know about where some of the ideas presented in the fictional Da Vinci Code had their roots ( and enough information and bibliography is presented in the text for people to take their own research further and draw their own conclusions about the subject matter) Again – they make it clear that theirs is a startling hypothesis and a set of speculations about historical events.



August 4, 2006


So apparently even a muppet can grow skunk…

Surely I should be able to as well – there is also some very useful news on this site about the law changes – which I find very hard to understand and keep track of. Luckily there are a lot of clever bloggers and other people around to tell me.

and look at this –



August 4, 2006


Yes go ahead and Legalize this 

Make life a lot more fun!

Parallel Psyches?

July 6, 2006

Hello World, or Worlds. A journey into the darkest recesses of the human mind and soul. Recently I thought I should start writing too – I have been reading a lot about the recent events in the Middle East and found other people’s work writing about what they think – and I think I need to do the same.

And anything else that takes my fancy.